The human memory works in strange ways. You would think it would function more like hardware - store a memory, retrieve a memory. Not so. More often than not, memories come in fits and spurts. They can be triggered by sounds, smells, songs, or sometimes... they are forced out.
Sitting at a funeral recently, I started thinking about the day my Dad passed away. As I mentioned in my previous post, I was with him. In vague generalities, I remember the day. I can remember the exact sequence of events that transpired that day. I can remember the sounds. But one memory escaped me for more than ten years.
In a flash, I had a memory of me attempting CPR on my Dad.
This may seem a trivial memory to dredge up, but in that instant, I realized - with the utmost clarity - my failure on that day. Having had years to work through my loss, I rationalize that there was nothing more I could do... but all that went out of my head as I re-lived those few minutes of trying to get my Dad to breath again.
Alone in my head, I sat there helplessly. Had I done all I could? Did I do it right? It doesn't really matter, though - my Dad is still gone.
I remember hating the show "Rescue 911" for years after my Dad passed. I would watch and get so angry - the happy endings they showed at the end of each episode, only fueled my anger. There was no happy ending for my Dad.
And yet, I am not haunted by that day as much as you would think. In those flashes, it all comes back, but as with all memories, they soon recede into the depths and are replaced by new ones. Not better ones, just new ones. Memories of my niece being born after my Dad passed. Memories of more nieces joining soon after. Memories of my own wife and kids.
In the end, it's not the flashes that matter - but the entire story they tell.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Later... doesn't always come
So dizzy Mr. Busy - Too much rush to talk to Billy
All the silly frilly things have to first get done
In a minute - sometime soon - maybe next time - make it June
Until later... doesn't always come
"Cut Here" - The Cure
Sometimes we get so busy with life we forget to stop and remember what really matters.
Recently I found out a friend's mother passed away. He's my older brother's good friend who I happened to grow up with. Growing up he was like my second big brother, and his family an extension of my own. Over the years, we grew apart for no other reason than we got older and had our own lives to live. I haven't seen my friend in a long time. And these days it always seems that we see old friends only at weddings and funerals. And as we get older, it tends to be more at funerals.
This got me thinking... the anniversary of my own Dad's passing is coming soon. It will be 14 years this summer that he passed. That day still sticks with me vividly. You see, I was with my Dad when he passed. Long story short, he had a heart attack at home and that was that. I remember feeling numb for so long afterward. I wasn't able to deal with it directly, since I felt that I had to be strong for the rest of my family - my Mom and sister, specifically. In some ways, I don't think I've really ever dealt with it. And by "it", I mean the guilt that sometimes creeps in when I think about that day. In retrospect, there's not much I think I could have done differently, but there has always been that nagging question of "what if?" In some ways I've come to peace with what happened, but it still never really goes away.
What I've been left with are all the great memories I shared with my Dad. The daily drive home after school that seemed so simple at the time, but now that I cherish for the 1/2 hour alone I got to spend with him. Waking up early on Sunday to go with him to Mass. The smell as he cooked the family breakfast every Sunday. His smile as I was able to make him laugh.
Life is indeed short. Too short for all the things we truly want to accomplish. I vowed I'd never take things for granted after he passed, but as people do... I forgot. Sometimes it takes a vivid reminder of our own mortality to make us remember that "later doesn't always come."
All the silly frilly things have to first get done
In a minute - sometime soon - maybe next time - make it June
Until later... doesn't always come
"Cut Here" - The Cure
Sometimes we get so busy with life we forget to stop and remember what really matters.
Recently I found out a friend's mother passed away. He's my older brother's good friend who I happened to grow up with. Growing up he was like my second big brother, and his family an extension of my own. Over the years, we grew apart for no other reason than we got older and had our own lives to live. I haven't seen my friend in a long time. And these days it always seems that we see old friends only at weddings and funerals. And as we get older, it tends to be more at funerals.
This got me thinking... the anniversary of my own Dad's passing is coming soon. It will be 14 years this summer that he passed. That day still sticks with me vividly. You see, I was with my Dad when he passed. Long story short, he had a heart attack at home and that was that. I remember feeling numb for so long afterward. I wasn't able to deal with it directly, since I felt that I had to be strong for the rest of my family - my Mom and sister, specifically. In some ways, I don't think I've really ever dealt with it. And by "it", I mean the guilt that sometimes creeps in when I think about that day. In retrospect, there's not much I think I could have done differently, but there has always been that nagging question of "what if?" In some ways I've come to peace with what happened, but it still never really goes away.
What I've been left with are all the great memories I shared with my Dad. The daily drive home after school that seemed so simple at the time, but now that I cherish for the 1/2 hour alone I got to spend with him. Waking up early on Sunday to go with him to Mass. The smell as he cooked the family breakfast every Sunday. His smile as I was able to make him laugh.
Life is indeed short. Too short for all the things we truly want to accomplish. I vowed I'd never take things for granted after he passed, but as people do... I forgot. Sometimes it takes a vivid reminder of our own mortality to make us remember that "later doesn't always come."
Thursday, May 7, 2009
The ties that bind... or not.
When is enough enough?
There's the "final straw" and the "nail in the coffin", but it's funny how sometimes "enough" just sneaks up on you. A friend of mine and I share an inside joke about how he loses interest in his personal projects very fast. He can burn with passion at the start of the project and then a week later it's... meh. It's pretty comical with him, but in regards to other areas of life, it's not.
Let's take friendships, for example. I would sacrifice all I could for a friend, but occasionally, there comes a time where the effort needed to sustain a relationship outweighs the benefits. Sounds clinical, I know. In marriage, you compromise and you constantly meet each other half-way. It's a constant adjustment that takes work. With your soulmate, it's all worthwhile. With friends, it's a bit more complicated.
A friendship is a symbiotic relationship in which both people benefit - either from company, support, laughs, or just to have someone who understands you. But it's definitely a two way street. So what happens when the traffic starts to go all "one way"? That's when it gets complicated. Everyone's had an acquaintance that was "hard to be friends" with. Why would that be? Because you were getting less out of the relationship than what you putting in. It's just that simple. Doesn't that mean you're a "good friend" for sticking with them? Yes. But patience can only last so long. There are so many other things in life to worry about: family, health, etc. One's time and compassion are finite. So... we choose.
And sometimes we choose to let go.
There's the "final straw" and the "nail in the coffin", but it's funny how sometimes "enough" just sneaks up on you. A friend of mine and I share an inside joke about how he loses interest in his personal projects very fast. He can burn with passion at the start of the project and then a week later it's... meh. It's pretty comical with him, but in regards to other areas of life, it's not.
Let's take friendships, for example. I would sacrifice all I could for a friend, but occasionally, there comes a time where the effort needed to sustain a relationship outweighs the benefits. Sounds clinical, I know. In marriage, you compromise and you constantly meet each other half-way. It's a constant adjustment that takes work. With your soulmate, it's all worthwhile. With friends, it's a bit more complicated.
A friendship is a symbiotic relationship in which both people benefit - either from company, support, laughs, or just to have someone who understands you. But it's definitely a two way street. So what happens when the traffic starts to go all "one way"? That's when it gets complicated. Everyone's had an acquaintance that was "hard to be friends" with. Why would that be? Because you were getting less out of the relationship than what you putting in. It's just that simple. Doesn't that mean you're a "good friend" for sticking with them? Yes. But patience can only last so long. There are so many other things in life to worry about: family, health, etc. One's time and compassion are finite. So... we choose.
And sometimes we choose to let go.
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